If you want to see a man dance, it’s pretty simple. Just throw that look, we know the one, that look that is the equivalent of throwing a hand grenade in his direction. Watch the chaos ensue as he realizes he fucked up.
Now rarely have I ever reached deep into the subliminal arsenal and pulled out the look. It takes a special kind of fuck up to get that reaction.
One time this happened encapsulates an interesting moment.
For many years I was in a relationship with a man whom I absolutely loved. I still do, but it’s not in a conventional sense. We had been doing the long-distance relationship thing for years. It was an abstract relationship, one of two people who loved each other but not in-love.
Sounds odd right? It was, it still is.
Wait what? Still is?
Well yes, but our relationship has never been a romantic one, it’s been an incredibly close bond. More than friends, certainly not lovers, and definitely not something that would ever be ‘forever’. A defined platonic relationship to the fullest extent.
Both of us knew we were not going to end up ‘together’, and that has always been ok. We can be soul mates without being romantic partners.
He never wanted to get married, to me or anyone else.
I love the idea of marriage, I want that to be part of my life.
He refuses all physical contact believing human existence is vile.
I am a sexual and passionate woman.
He refuses to travel or go outside his own sphere.
I love to explore.
He refuses all concepts of self-improvement and learning.
I love to constantly grow and improve my person.
So you can see, we are not compatible in any fashion. Except we have a magnificent friendship based on intellect, conversation, and this wonderful push and pull of debate.
When the day came and he decided he didn’t want to do this long distance ‘thing’ anymore. It was too annoying. He missed my cooking. He was annoyed being alone in the flat so he broached the unspoken subject.
“I guess we should get married.” He flatly said.
Arsonal activated and arming.
“Don’t expect a ring.”
And with that, ladies and gentleman, the grenades deployed.
Motherfucker.
I wasn’t just insulted, I was furious.
Mind you we had been in this platonic ‘situationship’ for 8 years. Yes, eight. That weird number is between seven and nine. And he picked this moment to make the most insulting attempt at an un-overture.
Mind you I am a romantic to the fullest extent, but I am also a realist. I don’t live with rose colored lenses. I dont attach unrealistic romantic expectations to the man in my life.
I am the kind of woman who would rather have a handful of weeds given with intent, than roses given disingenuously.
I never expected a proposal to begin with, he was clear, and I was a realist. I considered our relationship a friendship of the best kind, but never ….. That….. Never the thing that ends with the commitment, let alone a reluctant one.
So why was I mad?
I didn’t want to marry him, and saying ‘no’ would be a blessing to him.
So it should have been a win-win…. He does his ‘duty’ by asking, and I fulfill my role by saying ‘no’ and letting all this dissipate.
Only one problem, I couldn’t let it go.
I could not let go of how insulting it was to be ‘not worth’ any level of effort. It was telling me I was so insignificant that any level of tradition or nicety was too much.
Was I wrong? Even the words used were cold and callous.
And all I could think was…. You motherfucker.
So the grenades flew. And my answer was clear.
But it also taught me a very important lesson.
I realized I had given up on myself and my own self worth to ALLOW someone to say that, to see me as some insignificant part of their life, so mundane I was nothing more than a dust bunny in the corner.
I was mad at him, and I think I was right.
But I was more annoyed with myself. Realizing I allowed this to happen. I allowed 8 years of my life to build into a crescendo of believing I wasn’t worth the effort.
Well fuck that.
I realized this was a longer pattern I developed.
I had always been the in-significant other, never the significant other.
Now let’s be clear, I don’t need to be the center of any man’s world. I fully respect his autonomy, his life, his dreams, and I actively encourage all those things. I believe that a harmonious relationship cherishes the dreams and aspirations of each partner, letting them bring out the best in each other, pushing each other to be better.
My goal has always been to be a ‘partner in crime’, an equal in all aspects of life, love, and pursuit of dreams. I want to help my partner reach his fullest potential. I want to actively be part of what drives him, to be actively part of his achieving his dreams.
Perhaps I haven’t found the right partner yet. I think that is the obvious conclusion of this.
I bring a lot to any partnership. Seems I just haven’t found the guy who can appreciate that.
I am certain when I do, I won’t need to launch any grenades’ in his direction.