I have a motivation issue. I really do. I am highly successful in everything I do. Nothing is a struggle for me. It never has been.
Am I super smart? I don’t know. I don’t think so, I just love a challenge and I wont stop till I get my objective.
But here’s the glitch…. I never want anything.
Seriously. I don’t. I don’t want anything. I have no dreams, I have no goals, I just have things I want to do or not. To me everything is fluid.
For the most part I let the wind carry me wherever I would be. Typically it’s in some direction that I gravitate to inorder to help facilitate or grow my skill base.
I’ve always seen it as looking for my orbit.
I don’t want to be the center of the universe, I want that space to be the spotlight of someone else. Ideally I would choose that to be my partner, but God knows when or where that plays out.
If I am brutally honest I believe that my partner will be in life, love, and business. I want to live a life and build amazing things. Create structures and plans, create a world envisioned by my partner. That alone is what thrills me to no end.
I welcome every challenge, every obstacle, every failure. I want to face the challenges with my partner and conquer every single one. Every tear shed is a challenge, every smile a success. That courage and determination to overcome everything with another soul by my side is what keeps me going. I believe this is out there, I believe this is part of my path. I just can’t wait to get to it.
All I can tell you is this path is not where I am. I know I need to bet everything on a gut feeling that I need to break out of the box I am currently in.
I am ok with this.
In fact I am dying to get going.
Is that motivation? Am I motivated into some blind unknown?
Perhaps in a twisted way.
No goal. No clear path. No idea what I am doing….. And I cant fucking wait.
But like everything else in my life, things fall into place. I don’t make some herculean struggle or effort, I don’t force things to happen, I just make a clear determination of what I want, then sit back and let it unfold.
And it always unfolds.
But that also creates a motivation problem. Because I know things will all coincide as they are supposed to, I stopped dreaming of goals, or deciding on this or that. Yes there are things I would like….. But I don’t see any of them in stone. There is only one truth I hold deep in my heart, and that is an unshakable foundation that my path is not alone.
That fact alone sits so strong in me is the bedrock of everything I am. And that is truly an interesting story to tell. The day I realized this, everything changed.
Just to give you an understanding, in the Jewish tradition when someone is buried, the family all shovel dirt into the grave. But you don’t do this in a conventional method. You turn the shovel upside down, so you are using the wrong side to shovel dirt. It’s awkward and difficult under the best of situations, but add emotion to it and it’s nearly impossible.
The reason for this is that when someone dies, your world changes. Everything looks the same, but it isn’t. Everything is wrong. Everything is backwards and upside down. There is no right side, no up, everything is wrong.
The irony is everything is technically the same, it’s you who has changed, it is you who are no longer whole.
And that is the feeling when you experience something so soul shatteringly true, that you are willing to turn life itself upside down because you have an unshakeable belief.
I have no issue being alone, it’s a very normal thing for me, but this is different. This is legacy, there is something much bigger than me in this equation and it will require two equals to pull it off.
What is it? Fuck if I know.
Like I said, I am the person who LOVES making things come true, not the person who loves coming up with the plan. I let someone else do that part, it’s not my strong suit.
Perhaps that will lead to getting to do or see all the things I have some desire to do… or not. Again, I have nothing set in stone.
If I get to see Paris again, I would be thrilled, but if I dont I wont cry over some lost dream.
If I get to live in Italy for a while, it would be lovely, but it’s only a thought.
If I get to go on a road trip around the US just because, well that would be fabulous…. you know the rest.
But tell me there is no building, no stars to reach, no plans to work toward, well then life holds no joy. It is a hollow shell of disappointment.
So I have a motivation issue. I live for the motivation of another. I live to build great things for someone somewhere, and I will move heaven and earth to make it happen. That is my joy, that is my motivation. That is what true happiness is to me.