In the beginning….. Well there was a stupid idea I had to start a blog.
A hidden blog. Completely random.
A place where I could vent my frustrations, say my thoughts, contemplate existence and yes write the occasional love letter.
I have always been a fan of love letters. The charm and simplicity of something so sweet. I love the lost art of writing, especially those handwritten notes, those little treasures you can hold and feel the emotion penned into the paper.
It’s probably the reason I still use a fountain pen and actually write everything from my grocery list to my daily journal with ink scribed onto paper. There is something lovely and cathartic about writing.
Typing is expedient and the method used to create this text, but the clack of the keyboard lacks the romantic sound of the nib against the paper. There is no satisfaction in the fast movements, I much rather prefer the slow pace of writing and composing my thoughts.
But back to the story.
Invisible Love Letter started out as just that. I love letters. A bit of a love letter to life, and a way to express myself. At the time, I was in a relationship where I was the romantic and my partner was anything but. He was cold and logical. He was an intellectual with no need for romance and no tolerance for it in any form. Even our discussions were cold and frigid. I could never say anything that constituted my color and love of life. Instead I was relegated to an insignificant voice, a companion without the relationship. Essentially I had a roommate with an attitude.
He would joke how if he could, I would live in the vent. Close enough to be seen, and occasionally interacted with, but for the most part out of sight.
Nice huh? That really makes someone feel wanted. He was joking of course, but under every joke a kernel of truth remained.
We are still friends to this day, but I realized how much I gave up trying to fix something that I could never do.
But because of that, I started this blog. It was about 10 years ago. Yes, Invisible Love Letter is over a decade old. It has lived a few incarnations. But for the most part it was a long blog filled with my poetry, emotional outbursts, frustrations, and romantic pinnings. All the things I could not express in my real life.
I eventually got tired of living only in this virtual space. I left Invisible alone for a while, trying to find my own peace without the space to vent. Hoping that by realizing the shortcomings in my own relationships and my ability to diminish my own worth, I would wake up and get my act together.
In some aspects it worked. I didn’t need the crutch of writing. I started to work on healing myself, and improving my relationship with my past, present, and deciding about how to improve my future.
It wasn’t a phase, but a tool to help me when I needed to find my voice. It served its purpose and I slowly let it collect dust in the background of my life.
I even went as far to abandon it, letting the URL expire, and the hosting company deleted my long kept secret journal. But then something gnawed at me. Reminding me that there was some importance to this, even if I could not see it then.
I quickly regained control of the URL and in a panic, I tried to preserve the old blog, but that failed. Everything had vanished into the digital ether.
Probably for the best. That was a chapter in my life that does not need to be revisited. I learned and grew from it, it served its purpose.
But lately a new development reminded me that I used to do this. I used to just vent to the world. Not for validation, not for love, not for attention…. Just simply to say I exist.
I exist.
I do.
I don’t need likes, views, follows, or any metric to remind me I matter or have significance. I live by a very basic rule.
If you have done things right, nobody knows you did anything at all.
It might sound ridiculous but I believe this is the motto of the universe. That complex God-like mechanism that we all exist within. I believe that fate, karma, or whatever you chose to call it has a plan for each of us. We are never supposed to know what it is, nor how it will unfold. That is the beauty of existence.
But that plan is there.
Free will is an illusion in most respects.
We move through the void ignorant that our path has always been and always will be. Our free will is in our willingness to accept or reject the joys of that journey. Only we as individuals can control our reactions, emotions, and how we accept or reject what happens on our journey.
So I don’t need anyone to validate me. I validate myself with every step on my journey. I graciously accept the good and the bad as I go. Because I believe that the universe has dictated my path, and those who shall cross it, and hopefully join me through this lifetime into the next.
See I told you I was a hopeless romantic. I wasn’t kidding.
Recently my path took an unexpected turn. One I never saw coming, but when it hit, the world changed. Everything changed, in the most real and tangible sense of the word. I could not have predicted it, but this time the universe wasn’t being secretive and discrete. It was very clear, and I was listening.
That will be a story for another time.
I became inspired by the bravery of another. Someone whom I greatly respect. I am certain at some point this writing will be seen, and to be fully honest, I dont care. I would have hidden before, terrified that I was seen, somehow disgraced by my own humanity.
This time, I am not. I am fully aware of my actions and write with wreckless abandon.
We are only a collection of stories. Our existence will end and nothing will be left of us. Depressing but true. These words will also die out someday, as will I.
But for one moment in time, I am here. Right now. Completely honest. Letting my heart, my soul, and my mind be open to what may come.
For in life there is one truth that I can always rely on.
If something is to be, then nothing you do will ever prevent it. But in kind if it is not meant to be, then nothing you do can force it.
In other words our path is destined. Enjoy the journey.
And write. Write like there is no tomorrow, because someday there won’t be.
With that, I bring back my home to write. I bring back Invisible Love Letter, and let it be a home for whatever may come.
-C