I don’t even know where to start.
I feel sad when I hear words like “you shouldn’t be thinking about moving at your age.”
You should be setting down roots….
You should be this and you should be that….
Essentially give up and wait to die.
I didn’t sign up for that.
Am I too old to do anything? When did this happen?
To someone in their youth, I am old.
To someone in the middle, I am average.
To someone older, I am young.
To me, I am simply me. Why do I need to be old or young or average?
Why do I need to be anything?
Why can’t I be who I am?
Why am I not allowed to have freedom, just because I am over ‘some’ number?
Perhaps I am old. My friends have kids, some of them young, some older.
I never had a measurement by which time elapsed. Most of my friends marked it by kids birthdays, life events…. things I never had.
So there is no concept of age for me, there is no marker to say I should be ‘old’.
I am used to the pity look when I am asked if I have kids, and I answer ‘no’. That is a societal standard I came to grips with a long time ago.
Kids never happened and I guess never will. Now I am not THAT old, my doctor still reminds me if I want to have children I should do that soon…..
But the reality is chances are low that blessing will ever happen. I never defined myself by it, so I never had hope, and thus I never felt loss.
The cruelty of life is the day I meet the man I want to have children with, it probably won’t be possible. Sad but true.
I don’t have a complex about my age, I actually don’t even think about it till someone jabs at me.
Of course it is a pain point.
It is a reminder that my time might be more limited than I want it to be.
It reminds me that I wasted so much more time than I should have.
But in reality did I?
All things happen in the time frame they are supposed to. So how could I have wasted time if whatever I was hoping for wasnt ready for me?
I don’t want to think about a number, or how many years I might have left, I want to think about all the adventures I still have waiting for me.
I don’t want to grow roots, I want to wander and love every moment of life.
I want to live my life to its fullest.
I want to walk my path with someone who values me for who I am, and not trying to cage me because he sees me as ‘some number’.